my graves disease has recurred and i now have to be considering radioiodine treatment. i hate the way the consultant shoved the leaflet over to me like it was my only option. i'm not keen on this kind of therapy, i don't like the potential eye risks or the talk about infertility, and i certainly don't believe the whole 'it's safe as houses' crap - if so, why all the necessary 'stay one metre away from everyone, don't go near children or pregnant women, flush the loo three times after pissing, use separate cutlery to everyone' bullshit? if it's so safe, then why do you have to be so careful to avoid contaminating other people with radiation afterwards? it's the eye thing that gets me most though. my eyes aren't great as they are, i don't want to have treatment that could potentially make them worse, or even give me the bug stare. is it my right to refuse radioiodine treatment and demand something else? i pay my national insurance just like everybody else, after all. but how long would i have to wait for surgery if i did refuse the radioiodine? dad keeps asking me what i want for christmas. what i want is for you to fucking care about what happens to me and maybe contact me in the days after we both found out together that i had relapsed? yeah. he took me to the hospital for my check-up on wednesday. i ain't heard anything from him since. i will mention though that in the car on the way home, he said 'oh well, it's not too bad i suppose, it could be worse'. yeah, i know it could be worse, but it ain't no fucking walk in the park either. you try living with this shit. so i'm just going to put 'thyroidectomy' on my christmas list to him.

i just found out a good friend's mum is in hospital, and they expect her to pass away tonight. kinda puts things into perspective. very few things are life and death.

 i'm officially applying to vet school. apparently i want to be a student forever...

yeah. there's an update and a half for you.

 i start on monday, it's initially only temporary for two months, but there might be the opportunity of a permanent position after that. it's an admin-type position in the accounts department of a recruitment agency, in a very casual office (all i can say is they have a plasma tv which plays news/sport/music all day, and people wear jeans)...but why am i so worried about starting on monday?! it's ridiculous. i have this total mental block about the whole thing. i'm not a stupid person, but i really panic about being taught new things, i'm not even sure why. maybe it's something to do with the fact that if i'd fucked up throughout education, i only had myself to blame, and it was only me that suffered the consequences...whereas with this, if i fuck up, it affects other people. i know i shouldn't be worried, everyone has to start somewhere, etc etc, but for some reason i'm really worried that i'm not gonna be able to get the hang of it, that i'll just be sat there like a dick not knowing what to do...argh!! confidence crisis. help! see, this wouldn't happen if i'd just gotten myself a shitty yard job...but obviously that would bring a whole new set of problems.

at least, if i don't like it, it'll make me rethink the whole career path again. which could be good? and if i really don't like it, i could (in theory), just mug them off completely and walk out, since i have no contract or anything. obviously i wouldn't have the front to do that, but it's nice to know i have the option!

it's kind of shit when your own mum doesn't even really believe you when you say you've not been feeling well, or is suspicious when you mention the fact you've been feeling pretty damn tired again recently. there is so much pressure on me right now from all sides, you would not even believe. i put enough on myself, that's bad enough, but to have it from family as well is just...blah.

meh, i can't even be bothered to do a proper update, i'm feeling far too...i dunno, hurt? maybe that's not the right word exactly. more disappointed. rejected. worthless. feeling guilty because i haven't done any work today, due to constant period pains/being unable to remain awake for large parts of the day. but feeling guilty because 'you're better now, your bloodwork is fine, you should just be getting on as normal'; yet i can't.

it's no fucking wonder i nod my head in silent agreement that everything's okay at my appointments when it's clearly not, i'm just up against way too much to admit otherwise. sometimes i feel like i should just run myself into the ground and destroy me so that i can turn around and say 'hey, you know what, i was right, i was right to begin with when you thought there was nothing wrong with me, and i'm right now - don't EVER, ever try to influence how i'm feeling ever again'.

but that would just be stupid, right?

i need to keep a fluid intake/urine output diary, nice! seriously though, today i could NOT stop going. i had a cup of tea and a bowl of porridge before my lecture; of course, i know that caffeine is a diuretic and that porridge contains a lot of moisture, but honestly...i went before i left my room at quarter to nine, i went when i got to the main building at ten to nine, and by half nine in my lecture i was absolutely DESPERATE...had to walk out and go...never done that before! then i went twice in the twenty minute break from ten past ten til half ten; by the end of the lecture at 12 i was bloody desperate again...what's that about?! my initial reaction was that i must have a bladder infection, but after speaking to my mum (who's a nurse and knows these things) i'm not so sure, because there's no other symptoms to indicate infection :-\ i do remember last summer, for a good few days i was getting a weird metallic-y taste in my mouth, but i just brushed it aside cause the graves was enough to focus on. *scratches head* i'm trying to think if i've been drinking more than usual...having said that, i DO remember saying last night i felt really thirsty and it was almost like drinking water wasn't doing anything, i still felt thirsty. ahh well, at least my thyroid's under control, haha!!

in other news...dissertation...arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :-(

yay, it went AMAZINGLY. i am so surprised. just a few minor details to sort out, but basically sue thought my work so far was excellent and that it was obvious that i'd done a lot of reading and researching. she also said that i was well on track, but that if i did start to feel unwell again to let her know, so that 'we can just get you an extension because you've been so ill'. i actually felt like i have some support here for the first time; it makes a bloody nice change! honestly i can't stress how happy i am right now, knowing that i can just keep working to my pace and that if any problems arise i'll basically be handed an extension on a plate. and apart from everything else, having someone tell you your work is bloody good is like...such a boost. i haven't written a scientific report for over a year - not counting my semester one exams in 2006, the last thing i did was my acupuncture assignment, and i handed that in in december 2005. so i was really not confident about my writing style or anything before this meeting, but after being told i 'always write with great clarity', i feel a lot lot lot lot better.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

i wish i knew what the answer was.

it's amazing. whenever my numbfuck flatmates start to become irritatingly loud in the common room right next to my room, i stick on itunes really fucking loudly, and after just one song they're all gone and silence has been restored! it truly is amazing. i'm not sure if this actually works or is just a fabulous coincidence, but yay!